Rants From Yesteryear

So, I actually wrote the following post many months ago, when I was still a San Diego resident. It was probably incited by some lack of sexual activity on my part, and I quickly decided to let it sit on my electronic desktop rather than risk posting such anti-social material. Now I'm in Montana, once again afflicted with a lack of sexual activity. That, however, only parallels the real reasons I'm posting it now: A) I actually think its kind of funny; and B) Women in Montana are almost invariably larger than me. Maybe it is the fact that the staple diet here is 75% cattle products (the last store I was in had more than 30 varieties of beef jerky in bulk container "fill a bag to your heart's (stomach's?) content" style. Also, I have never seen produce aisles so devoid of real produce. Since when does a wall of bagged spinach count as produce? Forgive the pre-rant and please sit back and enjoy the full one...

Circa early 2006

Time to piss everyone off. Or at least most of everyone. It is brought to my attention how American girls are the laziest, most overweight women on our fine planet. Really, its true. Even the gals who are “normal” are not in any healthy shape whatsoever. Want a test? When was the last time you could claim that you had muscle tone in your legs or your stomach? Hell, anywhere? Its not like you have to be insanely skinny, but your body naturally should have a ratio of fat that is not 40% of your body weight. I don’t care what the USRDA tells you. That was devised by a bunch of idiots that think you should eat more bread than anything else. Leave it to the government to declare a processed food that doesn’t exist on earth but by man’s invention to be the staple of our diet. And don’t give me the biblical “God said we should” reason either. Remember, religiophiles, that you are supposed to be created in God’s image. If our God really is a lazy, overweight, Zantac-addicted minivan driver, we all should sit down and have a good cry.

Anyway, I see your dilemma, my American darling. You and I are but monkeys let loose in the urban jungle, so our instincts now ruin us. You see, when you are a Yahoo running about in the forest and you see a cheeseburger, you damn well grab the thing. When there is food, you eat it, because you’re an animal and lucky to get food at all. This is human instinct and utterly impossible to purge from our psyche, which is where the problem lies, because now there are cheeseburgers everywhere. Now we have more food than we know what to do with, so we eat it all. We eat until we say “oohh, I ate too much” and feel ill. We can’t help it. That’s the way we’re made. So what is needed is a massive dose of willpower. And a bicycle. Why are eastern European girls so slim? Well, probably because they are hungry, honestly. Even when they do have enough food, though, there seems to be a sense of eating decorum that we as Americans lack. I recently met a girl from Israel who said that America is great because you can eat or drink anything you want and not get funny looks for going overboard. She further stated that it is cool because nobody worries about turning into a giant fat ass. Jesus! What a gluttonous catastrophe of a nation.

My suggestions on how to be less of a total pig are easily said, maybe not so easily done. How about trying to eat less, first? No, don’t take medications to make you thin. That is so fucking American. I mean, if one of your meals is a cheeseburger and you are going to walk a total of 50 steps for the rest of the day, do you really need to eat anything else at all until tomorrow? Probably not. In fact, most could easily manage their entire day on the caloric intake of one burger. Even more so since they’d be burning their voluminous fat stores for the first year of learning how to eat less. Next, try turning half your food into things that are good for you. Remember what your mother told to about eating fruit and vegetables? Well, she was right and McDonalds was wrong. Finally, and this one is really more key than any, try using your broken body. No, you don’t have to start running marathons. You don’t even have to run at all. But shit, do you have to drive across the street? Walk there! Seriously, if the store is a 20 minute walk, do it. Yeah, the journey is going to take you an hour round trip and you’ll have to carry a backpack full of goods back with you, but is America’s Top Model so important that you can’t miss it? Don’t answer that. I will have to cry and write another fuming blog entry. Try to think of your car as a last resort. For instance, I sometimes need to go to campus. Biking there would take, round trip, probably 6 hours, so I drive as to not spend my entire day shifting gears. But hell, the grocery store is only 20 minutes by bike, so off I go. Less car, more feet = happier person. Simple equation.

I’m just tired of looking at any given American lady and thinking “God you are a total slob of a human being.” The same applies, I’m sure, to American men, but since I’m straight I don’t think about it as much. Though I might have to turn gay if I expect to ever date again after this post.